If there are two things I have learned, both from being part of support communities and from comments and emails on my blog, it is that 1) all our kids have things in common and are also very much individual and unique, and 2) that they are going to be who they are with or without us.

Our son is almost seven. He loves Legos, and robots, and engineering. He has no interest in ballet, and he’d rather play with a robotic rover than a Barbie. But he wears dresses to church most every Sunday, has long hair, and sports pink sparkly shirts to school. He adores fairies and unicorns, and I am trying to keep his awareness of the My Little Pony franchise to a minimum(!)

 

I have so many people write to me privately from my blog, telling me their stories, some celebrating the luck of a new generation to be nurtured rather than shamed, others mourning their own painful childhoods. Of the former boys who write me, some are gay, a few have transitioned, some are straight guys who like pink and nail polish. Their parents’ responses to them did not affect who they turned out to be, only their sense of self-esteem, the amount of baggage they carry, and the length of their journey to healthy adulthood.

Sometimes it’s hard for family members to understand that, yes, we are choosing our son’s comfort over their own. They want to know why we won’t “give him some boundaries,” “teach him what’s acceptable,” or at least make him wear “boyish” clothes around them.

But we know that he will be who he will be. We will not tell him who he might be is unacceptable. We won’t teach him that his true self (as he sees himself now) is shameful and needs to be hidden.

My partner has often said, “I’ll admit, it’s not what I would have chosen. It sometimes makes things hard, and it sometimes brings up a lot of stuff for me. But I recognize that it’s MY stuff, not his. He doesn’t have a problem; I do. And therefore it’s my job to deal with that for myself, not to push it onto him.” More than anything, my partner says, he wants our son to look back and be able to say that his dad was in his corner.

Welcome to the journey . . .

Eight years ago, you’d see exactly two options for vice president and speaker’s tie…red or blue. Tonight, check it out…Biden in bright lavender and Boehner in apricot. It’s nice…

(Feb. 13: Daily Beast notes pastel ties at State of the Union)

Here is a speech written by Sadie, 11, in response to President Obama’s inauguration speech on Monday. Her mom said, “Sadie was so proud of President Obama for including the gay community in his inaugural address on Monday; however, she felt like the trans community wasn’t included.” So she wrote her own speech. (Click on it to go to the whole article.)

“The world would be a better place if everyone had the right to be themselves, including people who have a creative gender identity and expression.” Amen, Sadie!

Her mom says although Sadie has been hassled, she is never shy or ashamed about who she is. Which brings me to another story. Yesterday I spoke to a local mediation center to see if we could get some help talking to family members who are upset about our son’s gender expression. We thought perhaps a trained and neutral mediator might make it easier to work some things out so they feel heard and things don’t become volatile or veer into opinion or accusation. It is so hard to love someone, and to know that they love your kid, and to watch a family rift begin to tear right in front of you because you can’t talk together.

I’m not sure what I expected the mediator I spoke with to say . . . I guess I figured she would endeavor to be neutral and start from the position that all sides have some validity. But she asked me some questions about our son — does he seem well-adjusted? Is he happy with who he is? Is he comfortable with how he expresses himself? Etc. And then she said, “Whenever you are dealing with children, they must come first. His needs are paramount. And if he is happy with who he is, then the job of everyone else in the family is to get on board and support him, and to get out of the way of him having a happy future.”

Suddenly, a tangled knot became clear, unambiguous, and uncomplicated. My wish for us all is to be collaborators in creating that better place, to get on board and support all our children!

Selah, Amen, and Ashe.

Look what was waiting for me in the post today! I’m so excited…watch for reviews!

2012 sure was an eventful year for my little blog! A highlight of course was being quoted in the New York Times Magazine this August (What’s So Bad about a Boy Who Wants To Wear a Dress? ). August 8, the day after that story went live online, Pink Is for Boys got 5,086 hits! Interestingly, the most popular post that day was not the post about the article — The Answer, of Course, Is Nothing — but the About Me page.

In the course of 2012, distinct groups of followers have developed, often having their own great conversations with each other in the comments sections of various posts. One group — straight men who enjoy wearing dresses or skirts and/or nail polish — have taken over Men in Skirts and and Manipedis and Male Polish as personal discussion boards, which I think is great. In keeping with this blog’s love of not essentializing, it’s important to note that this group is diverse as well — including men who want to reclaim skirts as masculine and men who want more room to express their femininity.

Some follow for intellecutal or ideological reasons — feminists,  progressive parents and educators, sociologists of gender, and more. You probably also like Jo Paoletti’s Pink & Blue, Diane Ehrensaft’s Gender Born, Gender Made, and more. (And you should also read one of my favorite blogs, blue milk. I wish we lived closer!) I have been remiss in posting excerpts from an academic paper I recently presented (so much in the news to blog about!) but I will get to it, I promise!

Another group of followers are parents looking for information, resources, and sometimes reassurance after realizing that their own child is popping out of the gender box. I want all of you to know that I am utterly passionate about supporting you! If I ever don’t respond to you quickly enough, give me another chance. I am so encouraged by the sheer numbers of us who are rejecting beating or berating our children into conformity as a parenting strategy! We will be amazed by the next generation. I am putting together a post with resources and basic starting suggestions for y’all and promise to get it up soon! Until then, peruse my favorites in the links at the right – even though some of those folks don’t post frequently (hey, we’re parents, after all!) their archives of back posts are a treasure-trove of shared experiences and advice.

I also hear from many of you who are now adults, but grew up struggling with identity and/or acceptance. Some of you have transitioned, some of you cross-dress, some of you are gay — you show me the incredibe rainbow of possibility so often compressed into black and white. Some of you are ecstatic to see how much things are changing; some of you are wistful or even bitter that you had such a hard time. I am grateful for you sharing honestly such a range of emotions. Their power over many years speaks hugely to me of the importance of what parents like me are doing, which is pretty simple, really – loving and accepting our kids for who they are and who they might be.

Thank you — thanks for viewing my blog more than 65,000 times in 2012. Thanks to Jim, Alicia, Maddox, Herby, Mara, and all the rest of you who have commented and conversed with me!

Thanks to Sarah Hoffman for directing interested folks here from her fabulous site and blog. Thanks to Michele at the Princess Free Zone for starting some new collaborations (and making me start a Facebook page!). Thanks to Genevieve LaBelle and others of you inspired to create new products and new images that make more space for all kids.

Considering that I work full time, have two small kids, and no Internet access at home, we did pretty well this year! But in 2013, I’m going to gussy up the site at long last, make it easier for you to find posts that interest you or just to browse the archives. I’ve got reviews of books to post, poems and other treasures from readers to share, and always lots on my mind and in my heart. Here’s to a FABULOUS 2013!

Just in time for Christmas! Dr. Edgardo Menvielle gives all you parents of gender-nonconforming kids a clear, succinct, to-to-point explanation you can print out and stick right in your holiday cards! (I made a PDF version for your convenience at the bottom of the page.) Again, please excuse any translation errors I may have made (and see the original interview in French here).

“We Help Parents Talk with Their Schools:” An interview with Edgardo Menvielle, a psychiatrist at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington:
–By Lorraine Millot

Dr. Edgardo Menvielle, a psychiatrist at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, is one of the few American specialists on the issue of “gender non-conformity.” The Center runs two support groups, where children and adolescents meet once a month, but hosts also a discussion forum online where over 300 parents, mostly American, share their experiences.

You’re a psychiatrist in a hospital; does that mean that “gender nonconformity” is currently considered a disease?

No, in the United States it is considered a disorder, but even this designation is controversial. The American Psychiatric Association has just approved the term “gender dysphoria.” To me, it is not a disorder but a condition that can cause great suffering and ultimately create disorder. This is especially because of the reaction of society: the pressures on these children and their parents are great.

How many children are affected by this “dysphoria?”

We do not know. There are no statistics. Among adults, it is often estimated that 5 or 6% are homosexuals. This can give some idea, because there is some overlap between these children and future homosexuals.

Are all “gender non-conforming” kids gay?

No, but it is estimated that nearly three-quarters of boys who behave very effeminately will be gay. Some will later want to change sex, others will be heterosexual, but this is less common. Among very masculine girls, figures are less clear. Some will be lesbians, others not.

Are there more and more children who are “gender non-conforming?”

I see more, but that does not mean that there are more. It is possible that the increase is due to the fact that our society is now more open to this. Families have more opportunities to get help. What is new is that the children growing up right now are first generation being raised in families that recognize and support them openly.

In the thirteen years that you have followed these children, what changes have you observed?

I see more and more adolescents — as young as 13 or 14 – who say they are transgender. Without a doubt this is due to the fact that our society has become more tolerant. There is more information circulating on this subject and thus more young people can identify with it.

Do you see both boys and girls?

Among small children, whom we accept from the age of 3, I see many more boys–about four boys to one girl. Again, this is probably due to the fact that our society is much more tolerant of girls who behave like boys. Among adolescents, the ratio evens out.

Does this mean that homosexuality begins well before puberty, in infancy or early childhood?

Sexuality is present right from the start; puberty is just an awakening. Homosexual orientation is probably present very early, in the first years of life. It seems to have a genetic component: something is inherited, but we do not know exactly what. And some people also change sexual orientation in adulthood.

What can you bring to these children and their families?

Needs vary from one child to another. Usually, I direct them to our discussion forum and our online support groups. But some also see therapists. As for parents, we try to provide an idea of ​​what can be expected in the future. A 4 year-old boy who says he is a girl will not necessarily be transsexual. In general, we encourage parents to let their children be who they are. We recommend developing safe spaces in the home where children do not need to hide. But mostly we help parents determine what may be best for the child. Some boys really feel miserable as boys. Going to school in a dress can provide relief, but then it means having to face the reaction of others . . . . We also give parents tools to engage with their schools. In the United States, they are usually quite accommodating. When a child has a hard time using the “girls” or “boys” toilet, they can allow him to use one that’s more “neutral,” like a staff bathroom. But of course there are still often problems of harassment at school.

• Menvielle Interview PDF — Downloadable version of this translated interview to share with others.
• Five years ago, Julia Reischel really connected a lot of dots in “Queer in the Crib” for the Village Voice (and interviewed Dr. M., too).
• Dr. Menvielle was also consulted for Ruth Padawer’s recent NY Times Mag article “What So Bad about A Boy Who Wants To Wear a Dress?“
• Children’s National Medical Center has made a brochure for parents noticing something unusual about their children’s gender behaviors. Download it here.

The French newspaper La Libération ran a story on 12/3 by Lorraine Millot titled, “Des garçons nés dans les roses.” The story is available to read online starting today and you can find it here. Millot talked with me along with others and mentions Pink Is for Boys as well!

Here, for all your non-French speakers, is my translation of the article. I apologize in advance for any errors — I do actually have a degree in French, but it’s been a long while since I’ve used it more actively than to read the Harry Potter books en français! Millot also conducted an interview with Dr. Menvielle, who heads up the gender program at Washington National Medical Center. The link is here and I will translate it for y’all as well as soon as I can . . .

Des garçons nés dans les roses

Difference. They imagine themselves as girls, dress in flowered t-shirts – they are the “pink boys.” Three quarters of these children will become gay. In the United States, the phenomenon is more and more recognized.

At age 6, John(1) does not want his hair cut, and wears a dress to church every Sunday. “We started to understand that he was different when he was around 3 years old,” his mother recounts.  “He began to really want a magic wand. When he got one, he was very disappointed to discover that it was not ‘real.’ He eventually explained that he wanted it to transform himself into a girl.” After months of confusion, his mother understood: John is a “pink boy,” a “garçon rose” – or “gender non-conforming child” as those in the U.S. call small boys who imagine themselves as girls.  The reverse also exists under the well-known name “tomboy” but our societies generally accept it better and are less dramatic when a girl dresses like a boy.

Phenomenon. Wonderfully described already in 1997 by the Alain Berliner’s Belgian film Ma vie en rose, which all parents concerned still refer to, the phenomenon is increasingly recognized in the United States, which doesn’t mean that life is always easy for children and their parents. “My son is very shy, he does not like to attract attention … and yet he cannot help heading off for school in braids, pink shoes and a shirt with flowers,” says John’s mother, who shares her experiences in a blog followed by thousands of readers, Pink Is for Boys. “The problem is that our society does not leave much space for these children: from toys to cartoons, the message is just hammered away that these things are for girls and these things are for boys. When we run into people, even those who are well-intentioned, and they see my son, they’ll say to me: “But I thought you had a boy! “

“The problems start generally at the end of kindergarten, around 5-6 years when other children begin to notice that their little friend is different, ” observes Catherine Tuerk, co-founder along with the psychiatrist Edgardo Menvielle (see interview) of a support group and an Internet forum for these families. “The parents, at least those who contact us, today no longer seek to suppress their children’s tendencies. They generally accept the idea that they’ll probably be homosexual later, but they want to ensure they can live their childhood fairly smoothly and without harassment at school.” The guideline this therapist generally follows is to explain to these children that there is nothing in their behavior wrong or evil in itself, but that the rest of the world does not always understand.

“Special.” Over the years the families of these pink boys become more confident of themselves and of the respect due their children’s differences, observes Ann Philips, one of the first mothers to have joined the Support Group Washington when her son was a teenager, to the late 1990s: “I now see parents contact schools proactively to ask that they take into account their son’s special characteristics.” A letter that circulated recently on Dr. Menvielle’s discussion forum asked a headmaster to allow a child to be excused from sports to spare him the moment – always painful for him – when the class is separated into a group of girls and a group of boys. Instead, his parents promised, the child will “ice skate at least five hours a week.”

Despite all the progress made in recent years in the United States to better recognize and accept these boys also called “gender fluid,” their trials are still many, for them and their parents, too. “Neither my husband nor my eldest wanted to accept the particularity of my youngest son,” says the mother of another pink boy aged 15. “From nursery, Nils has always been attracted to high heels or princess dresses. He would want to wear barrettes, or would ask me to tie a pillowcase around his feet, to make a mermaid tail. Until the age of 13, he did not want to cut his hair. Now, because of being called a girl or gay at school, instead he wears his hair very short and has even become very homophobic! He is still rather effeminate but when I try to talk with him, he gets angry immediately and assures me he is not gay . . . .” His mother sighs, relieved to talk, but still riddled with anxiety: “However much you talk to the experts, it hurts to see your child suffer that way. We’d like to help him be himself, and it is not always possible. “

(1)    Pseudonym – most families quoted in this article requested anonymity.

So, go to these folks’ sites and spend your shopping dollars! Ultimately, that will speak louder than online petitions and TOADY awards for worst toy of the year (though they are kind of cool, too).

Check out Geneviève LaBelle’s One of a Kind Colouring Book 1: Surprise Box on Etsy. From the Etsy description:

At one time, there were pink-only colouring books aimed at little girls filled with princesses and charming princes and blue-and-khaki-only colouring books roaming with superheroes and brave firemen. Between them, nothingness. . . . From the male ballet dancer to the female skateboard pro, from the gamer girl to the knitting boy, . . . the first volume of One of a Kind Colouring Book is a big party where not only did we invite everyone, but everyone is celebrated.

LaBelle is an author and illustrator as well as a traditional weaver from Quebec, and the coloring book also contains references to Quebecois figures and stories from legend and history, so if you’re from the US, you can learn about another culture as well. The coloring books are $10 each, and you can contact the author for a bulk discount (every one in your child’s class at school? a gift to your church or synagogue?) Oh, yes!

(Oh, by the way, it’s available in French, too.)

Our friends at the Princess Free Zone invite you to meet Lula — a precocious ten-year-old who has her own tool belt and helps her dad with carpentry projects. She loves science, playing the drums, riding her skateboard, and hanging out with her friends in the Good Builders Club. As Super Tool Lula, she uses her super hero gifts and magical tools to protect and come to the aid of kids who are mistreated or bullied.

In this first short-chapter book, Lula learns of her super hero status, meets the tools who will help her on her mission, and transforms her first bully. Along with her friends, she’s out to change the world, one kid at a time.

Appropriate for ages 6 and up, $14.95. One Amazon reviewer says, “We love Super Tool Lula and wish she was on TV!” Buy it right from the Princess Free zone website, where there are also links to Super Tool Lula songs on iTunes.

The Princess Free Zone also has t-shirts, my favorite of which is the one with this image: I LOVE this LOVE shirt for boys and girls! (I would love it for women and men, too!)  And how cute would it be on a onesie? The onesie and toddler sizes are $18, larger kids’ sizes are $20.

Let’s support the folks trying to create more space in the world! If you see more great items, let us know. In addition, here are a few holiday shopping tips I put together a couple years ago. (I was a novice blogger then so it’s really too long. But it might serve as a useful meditation as you enter the holiday shopping fray.)

Oh, and if you have an ample budget, check out this Ebay item:
a rare 6th plate tinted daguerreotype of a child holding a toy gun. What a beautiful child! Wouldn’t this confuse your gender-constrained relations — is it a boy in a dress? Is it a girl with a gun? (For the record, it’s the former.) You’ve got five days to bid on this gorgeous vintage image, but the opening bid is $1,895.00!

The store was chock full of more gender-separated books like those I saw at the grocery store last week. For inquiring minds, girls search for items hidden at the beauty shop, shopping mall, beach, and rock concert, as well as a page full of cats and one full of hearts. Boys, meanwhile, search for items hidden at the ballpark, in space, at a silly circus, the dog Olympics, and a rock concert, as well as a page of dinosaurs, and one called “cat and mouse free-for-all.” So boys and girls find their overlap at rock concerts . . . interesting! Also interesting that to include cute animals in the boys’ book required athleticizing them (dog Olympics) or making them a battle of some sort.

Let’s see here, girls doodle mermaids, unicorns, dragons, cats (again — who knew we were culturally conditioned to become crazy cat ladies!), microphones and sunglasses, crowns, horses, castles, ballerinas, frog princes, food, and animals. Boys doodle knights and dragons, cowboys, kites, trains and bulldozers, superheroes, rockets, a boy shooting a slingshot, a caveman, and also animals, although most of them seem to be predators — a tiger, a shark. Oh, and a skull and crossbones.

So, dear readers, if we were going to crowd-design a fun book with items that don’t assume or prescribe gendered interest, what would you include? I can tell you that both my kids adore mermaids and fairies (some boys as well as girls would be nice). I know five boy ballet dancers (or how about ice skaters, with their super fancy sequined outfits?) Both my kids like cute animals and also dinosaurs and tigers. They both love shooting bows and arrows. They like space (a girl astronaut please!) Unicorns are popular — in fact, any mythological animal is a hit. Pirates — love ‘em (and there were women pirates, by the way). There are also lots of women warriors in myth and history, as I’ve mentioned in the past. My daughter is so-so on trains, but I know a girl whose mom is desperate to find a Thomas the Train dress (good luck with that). And wouldn’t it be nice to have some referents from cultures besides northern European? I love turreted castles and unicorns, but how about djinn, Ananzi, Coyote? How ’bout some variation in skin tone? What would you add?

By the way, let me emphasize that I was NOT going around looking for these! They seemed to be everywhere I looked. And on the way out, by the exit door, the story book entry:

As we were on our way out, I didn’t stop to review the tables of contents. However, it seems that “tales of mystery, suspense, and adventure” appealed to readers more than standing in a field wearing pink, because there was only one of the “boys’” books left.

There is a great recent blog post about the need for strong female role models in children’s books that you should just go and read. A taste:

Why is it that little boys should be guided towards tales of adventure, fantasy, pirates, and danger, while females are limited to stories of damsels in distress and Prince Charmings who wake the sleeping princess with a kiss?

Indeed. I think it’s time to upset the applecart, folks!

Seen as I walked through grocery store last night — Where is the sticker book for kids who want robot fairies? Queen aliens? My kids (girl and boy) would love most of these — though notice how girls are told their book is “pretty” and “cutesy” and how many of the “boys’” images contain death references — creepy.